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Son Of Dork
Welcome To Loserville
Yahoo Music (November 2005)

Dear Shareholders,

Following the concerns raised (see minutes passim) about the discontinuation of the Busted product and the underperformance of the Fightstar spinoff, we’re delighted to announce that a solution has been found. Special Projects have been working with James Bourne (who, you’ll remember, we employed in the role of Geeky Guitar Player in the Busted venture) and our usual division of songwriters, marketing executives, street teams and focus groups to create a replacement product that will appeal both to the Busted and post-Busted demographic.

Extensive research revealed that we would be able to hang onto the crucial 6-9 age range and expand into the burgeoning 10-12 market with just a slight tweak in the USP of the item. Although American pop punk is a growth area, the failure of the Fightstar project (note to production – terminate) to dominate the UK charts proved that caution should still be exercised. This was simply too adult a proposition for our core audience. Therefore we have updated the key values of Busted using the successful Blink 182 blueprint for our new Son Of Dork product.

Allow us to talk you through the new product’s selling points. You’ll note that Bourne’s American accent is now pitch perfect – recent study with “dudes” from San Diego proved them unable to tell Bourne and Blink 182 operative Tom DeLonge apart. The whining delivery of the word “you” is particularly impressive. As we predict that the Son Of Dork product will perform well in the US market, the lyrics have been adapted to suit. In the single, “Ticket To Loserville”, Bourne gets his “ass kicked by the football team”, while in “Party’s Over” he observes that “the kitchen table’s in the pool”. Despite the lack of privately owned pools in the UK, we expect this to appeal on an aspirational level. See graph attached.

Contrary to last year’s research, the “musical” content of this type of product still remains an important factor to the consumer, so our team was forced to spend a little more time on this than initially envisioned. Many of the tracks stick rigidly to the Blink 182/New Found Glory template – airbrushed melodies, airtight production – but it was deemed necessary to expand the range somewhat, just in case. “Little Things”, therefore, was written with an aim to option for a pop punk version of “Grease”, “Party’s Over” was a skilful rewrite of a Westlife ballad languishing in development, and “Sick” is currently with Andrew Lloyd Webber’s lawyers.

In all, we feel extremely optimistic about the performance of the Son Of Dork product. With cutting edge reference points (our MySpace endeavour is mentioned in one song), “ironic” lyrics for the older 15-17 market (“Boyband” and “Murdered In The Mosh” play directly on feelings of superiority and cool), and the geek romance angle covered extensively elsewhere, we’re certain that you’ll notice a favourable rise in the price of your shares throughout the Christmas period. Indeed, with our Crazy Frog versus Pavarotti project green lighted for 2006, we predict prosperous times ahead.

Yours truly,
Lou C Fier, Chief Executive, Megacorp Industries

PS – Hope to see you at our festive function on Wednesday. Madonna will be on at 8.15pm sharp.

Ian Watson
Music, film, comedy and travel journalist based in London

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